The Big Fat White Guy: It's the Celery, Stupid! (or How to Make the Perfect Chicken Salad)

"I'm telling you, Anya Deng, it's the celery."

My sister, Justina Elieza Lukban, the junior of my mother who is Justina (obviously!), was born eight years after me, in the year 1973 when my mother was almost forty-two. She was the unexpected baby and took away my privileged status of being the "youngest" (bunso) and its perks. For one thing, I used to be able to get what I want just by bawling my eyes out. No wonder my eldest brother, Francisco, used to cajole me in asking stuff (that he liked) from my mom hoping that she'll buy it for me/him. Get it?

"Just don’t tell her Anya Boyet was asking for it....okay?!"

Anyway, I digress. Elieza and I used to be the biggest of enemies for that reason. But in due time, we find out that the eight year difference is not much once we grow up and that adults are adults. And when time comes that we are in our forties, I at forty-eight and she just landed on the big four-zero, we both suffer the same backaches, headaches, job stresses and a whole lot more. But I made my peace with my sister years ago and have maintained a close relationship with her - with all my siblings for that matter. When we double our age, in another forty years, I at eighty-eight and she at eighty, I am sure we would be suffering from the same dementia and bladder incontinence.

I was the designated cook in the family doing the cooking when my Mama and Papa were both busy tending the family farm in San Mateo, Rizal; so my responsibilities once I get home from school include making sure that supper was ready once both of them come home. At that time, I do not think my kitchen skills were the best, but to my credit, at least I was learning from experimentation and looking at those 1950's cookbooks in my mom's stash.

Oh, my other brother, Felix, used to come home with me from school and his responsibility was to make sure that the dry laundry hanging at the back of the house was all folded and hung, feed the pets and cook/steam the rice. So, its not that my siblings were not doing any house chores this time. Everyone has their own share of house tasks to do everyday.

But going back to culinary skills and things related to the kitchen, my sister would sometimes do her occasional stint in the kitchen and sometimes, I get a pearl or two that seem to work every time. "I'm telling you, Anya Deng, it's the celery," is one of them. And that pertains to putting some celery in salad particularly these two: chicken and tuna.

Look at this delightful concoction with celery.
Now, whoever made this put raisins as well for
flavor contrast.

And it never fails. I think because celery is sweet enough, bitter enough and crunchy enough to be added with something spicy and creamy. Get a celery stick and dip it in ranch dressing and take a bite - I swear it's perfect.

Which then explains the perfection of my chicken salad. The only thing that separates family members and I swear this is enough to cause a great debate, is whether something sweet, as contrast, belongs premixed in chicken salad. My eldest brother would vehemently protest a strong, "NO!" and simply abhors pineapple or pickle relish in any meat or meat flavored salad - chicken or ham with or without macaroni. And such has been the tradition of my Aunt Maring who makes the fare during fiestas in my dad's hometown. But celery? Celery is enough to make everyone jell singing in perfect unison, "I'd like to teach the world to sing," or "kumbaya".

Another proof of this is to ask my good friend, Ron whom I've known since 1995 in Philadelphia. Ron, each time he would visit my house would never fail to "sample" my chicken salad - "tikim" as we say in Tagalog - numerous times and by the bowlfuls.

Now, celery, as I've mentioned, is only half the equation. The other is the creaminess of the dressing and this means, mayonnaise - pure unadulterated mayonnaise. No fat free, no guiltless, no lite formula - just pure oil, egg yolk, vinegar and salt emulsion, old-fashioned mayonnaise.

In his recipe, I am going to lay everything bare -- my method for making that chicken salad that would make you want more - leading to more fat to deposit around your waist and chin. Be sure you have some Xenical or Alli around!

Sinful Chicken Salad (my gratitude to sister, Justina Elieza (b. 1973)

1 whole roasted chicken (can be new or a day old but be sure its at least room temperature)
salt to taste
1 tablespoon pepper
1 head garlic, peeled and chopped
1 medium onion, peeled and chopped
1 cup celery stalks, chopped
1/4 cup real French or German mustard (I insist! None of that "French" brand or Grey Poupon)
2 cups mayonnaise

Procedure

Make sure the chicken is well rested and all juices have drained out of the meat. To accomplish this, have the chicken at room temperature or chill the chicken. Thus, buying the roasted chicken in the cold section of the supermarket where it is one or two dollars cheaper than the fresh one is a good idea. Debone and slice in rather large cubes - the chunkier the better. One may choose to add the skin to the salad.
Meanwhile, in a salad mixing bowl, combine the following: garlic,, onion, celery, salt and pepper. Add the chicken and continue to toss until well combined.
Add the mayonnaise and mustard. Toss further until everything is even and well-coated. Chill covered with wax paper or cling wrap. Serve cold.

Tips and Suggestions.

The best chicken to use for this is a well-seasoned one prior to the roasting. I always find that Costco's quality is consistent with the right seasonings. However, Rednor's will offer day old roasted chicken for about three dollars which is cheaper than the freshly roasted one. In the Philippines, try it with Andok's Lechon Manok or even with Chicken Inasal.

Costco's Roasted Chicken.

I would say Andok's Lechion Manok is
perfect for making Chicken Salad.
Will a boiled chicken do? Of course, but it is not as tasty as a roasted bird.
Why real French or German mustard? I tasted real French mustard when Mike brought some home from a business trip in Paris. And I have sampled German mustard from Berlin. As much as both were "white products" (i.e. think of the equivalent of "SM Bonus" or "Pathmark" or "White Rose"), I must admit that Europeans known what mustard is all about. It's pungent, strong on the nose with a sting reminiscent of Wasabi. The "French" brand mustard as the Grey Poupon on the US is nothing more than just vinegar without any fingerprint of mustard.

Okay...a lesson in mustard. This is real
French mustard.

This is ewww mustard.
Can I add some pickle relish or any contrast elements? Of course. I usually use craisins which have the right sweetness and tartness and besides, the red morsels would provide the right color contrast to the celery's green and so it makes perfect Christmas offering.
Any thoughts on mayonnaise? I've already mentioned that the whole point of mayonnaise is fat. So, no excuses here to be using lite and certainly fat free which tastes like wet shredded newspapers. What brand? Lucky Filipinos for Lady's Choice as I miss the stuff - the perfect amount of creaminess with that saltiness that comes from the sides of the mouth - much like umami. Here in the States, the brand I most prefer is Heinz's which is a bit difficult to find but worth it. Best Foods or Hellman's are okay (both are the same company - Hellman's in the East as Best Foods in the West coast) but I find the commercial brand Admiration which Is known to supply sandwich shops as the creamiest of them all. Do not forget Kewpie brand from Japan which is excellent as well.

I would probably say that Lady's
Choice is my favorite mayo!